Customer conversation at its best

I do marketing for a small software company, but over the past few months (to my dismay) I have become the one woman customer service department. I answer the phones and help poor elderly people in the deep south deal with their unbearably slow internet connections.

Normally I don’t enjoy taking customer calls because technically it’s not my job, but last friday I had conversations with two customers that made me hate the customer service industry a little less.

The first conversation started like this:

Me: (My company’s name) how can I help you?

Customer: Oh my dear child, I hope so! (said in an incredibly melodramatic southern accent, I honestly felt like I was in Gone With The Wind)

After I control my initial giggling reaction to the gentleman’s greeting, I begin to help him set up an account. Half way through I ask him for a username and password.

Me: What username would you like to use?

Customer: Billy666

Me: Okay. What password would you like to use?

Customer: Peety666

Me: …alright.

Customer: I know, you’re probably wondering about the whole 666 thing. It’s just that neither me or my dog are believers.

Me: No judgement here.

The rest of the call was spent chatting about how DSL is just too darn expensive and how “tickled” he was with the whole slow internet issue. It was by far the best conversation I have ever had with a customer. 

A little later a woman called asking for help in running our program on her computer. She had an really thick southern accent as well.

Customer: Hi. So I downloaded your software and everything, but I just can’t get it to work. I don’t know what I am doing. I’m sorry, I’m just computer stupid.

Me: Well, I can help you with that!

Customer: You can make me not computer stupid?!

Me: I don’t know about that, but I can definitely answer your questions and hopefully make the program work…

Customer: Well, I guess that’s all I can ask for!

I spent a good 5 minutes explaining to her what to do, when she put me on hold.

Customer: Could you hold on a second?

Me: Sure.

Customer: (yelling at a child) NO, HE CANNOT COME INSIDE! … BECAUSE HE HAS BUGS ON HIM AND THEY WILL BITE YOU ON THE BUTT! …Okay, where were we?

I have never laughed so hard in my life. 

Honestly, it’s these random acts of hilariousness that make working 9 to 5 in a cubicle bearable.