The Dos of Going Out

Hello ladies! (Yes gentlemen, I am writing a post that primarily addresses the female population. So…you should stop reading now)

I am writing to you as an elder. A 24 year old’s wisdom that must be passed down to the 18 and 19 year olds of the current generation. It is 12:50AM on a Saturday night and I am slightly intoxicated (you wouldn’t believe how many spelling mistakes I am making right now) and I feel compelled to inform you about a few of the tricks of the trade.

Unfortunately, my friend’s wristlet/wallet was stolen tonight at a club. Right from under my nose. I don’t want that to happen to any of you. So here are a few tips to help you navigate the bar scene with ease.

1. DO carry a wristlet. These things are crazy handy. I bought one for myself for my birthday last year (Kate Spade Woot Woot!) and it has been the best purchase I have made by far. It goes with everything and I can dance with it, which are the two most important things to consider when you go out. It carries my phone, cards, ID, and cash in a very portable case and you don’t have to deal with a big old honking purse. How can you go wrong with that!?

2. DO put your car key in your shoe. I know this sounds really weird but just go with it. Tuck your car key in your shoe/boot or put it in your pocket and I guarantee it wont get lost. If your key happens to be in your wallet and it gets stolen or lost, you’re shit out of luck and you’ll probably have to call mom or dad, and we don’t want that. These two places are safe from your tempting money and will allow you to get home at the end of the night which, at least to me, is the most important thing. If you have no pockets or shoes with carrying space, well, I’m sorry.

3. DO keep your wallet with you at all times. Earlier tonight, my friend decided to go dance with a guy and leave her wallet (phone included) on the table with me. I acknowledged the wallet’s presence, but it only took a second for some seedy person to swipe it from the table, never to be seen again. I felt awful and now she’s out of a pay check and a phone. Keep your belongings with you ALL THE TIME. My wristlet is attached to my arm every minute I am out, and I have yet to have a problem. My friend spent one moment away from her stuff, and now she’s getting cozy with her bank representative. Believe me, you do not want that.

Just listen to me and don’t make the same mistakes. I am making them for you. You should thank me. Or my friend. Yeah, thank her.

Me watching She’s All That at age 11:

OMG Freddie Prinze Jr. is so cute!

How could his girlfriend dump him!?

He’s adorable!

Laney is so lucky!

He’s so freaking cute!

OMG Taylor is so mean!

I love him.

KISS HER!

KISS ME!

Oh no, she knows about the bet!

I’ll go to the dance with you Zack!

Oh they’re dancing by the pool. That’s so romantic. They love each other so much.

I WANT THAT.

Me watching She’s All That at age 24:

HELLOOOOOO 1999. Look at those pleather pants!

Remember when Rachel Leigh Cook is actually gorgeous and sexy the entire movie? (I mean, those boobs)

Taylor, you’re dating someone from the real world…THE REAL WORLD.

Is that…is that Lil Kim? I…I think…I think it is! WAIT WHAT!?

Oh hey school DJ Usher! That high school has a DJ. 

Laney’s BFF is totes gay.

That clown face bit never gets old!

I love how she spills red wine on a red dress and you really can’t even see the stain…BURN.

Since when do soccer player wear bro tank uniforms?

Paul Walker, just keep doing your sexy thang!

Oh no! I’m Zack and I can’t decide between Dartmouth, Harvard, or Princeton! My life is so hard! #firstworldproblems #whiteboyproblems

Why is little brother Boggs rolling around on rollerskates in the cafeteria? Is he practicing to be a carhop?

When in doubt, take your sister to prom.

What an elaborate choreographed dance sequence to Funk Show Brother! (that I totally want to do the next time I go to a high school dance…oh wait)

Note: Always carry mini fog horn thing to prevent post prom sexual harassment.

Remember when Laney and Zack get together at the end of their senior year of high school and will probably never see each other once they go to college?

OMG FREDDIE PRINZE JR IS SO HOT. 

A list of the musical kind…

Everyday on Tumblr, I come across those posts that tell you to put your iPod on shuffle and write down the first twenty or thirty songs that come on. Apparently you can tell a lot about a person from their music. I want all of you to know more about me, so I decided to do it myself. My musical tastes span a wide range so this should be interesting. Here is my music. Love me, hate me, you know you wanna date me! (I have no idea where that came from. I got the sudden urge to rhyme and that happened.) 

1. “Leave Me Alone” (Side Show) What a great start to this list!

2. “Extraordinary Girl” (American Idiot) I mean, I don’t want to brag or anything…

3. “School Song” (Matilda The Musical) I guess this makes sense considering I’m going back to school next year?

4. “Superboy And The Invisible Girl” (Next To Normal) I swear I have other music besides show tunes.

5. “Hello!” (Book of Mormon) Really, iTunes?

6. “Love Lockdown” (Kanye West) Okay, it’s mocking me now.

7. “Mrs. Sharp” (Ryan Scott Oliver) HA this song is about masturbation.

8. “Dream On” (Aerosmith) FINALLY. You think I’m really cool now right?

9. “Feelings You’ve Got To Hide” (Side Show) I just have a lot of feelings!

10. “Undone” (Haley Reinhart) I actually love this song. This girl is mad talented.

11. “Eyes Wide Open” (Gotye) My coachella side is showing…

12. “Fly, Fly Away” (Catch Me If You Can) I belt this song HARDCORE in the car.

13. “I’m Not Afraid Of Anything” (Songs For A New World) I AM A BEAST.

14. “Promises, Promises” (Promises, Promises) Oy with the musicals already!

15. “But It’s Better If you Do” (Panic At The Disco) I guess that’s a little better?

16. “Domino” (Jessie J) THIS IS MY JAM!

17. “I Don’t Wanna Dance” (Hey Monday) Great running song. I’m all about angsty girl power. 

18. “Something Good Can Work” (Two Door Cinema Club) They’re my Irish lovers.

19. “Public Life” (Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson) Benjamin Walker get in my pants right now!

20. “Gold Digger” (Glee Cast) I just can’t win.

Sorry I’m not sorry…

I feel awful, Tumblr. Just awful.

I completely dropped the ball this weekend when it came to my daily posts.

Okay, so I don’t actually feel awful because it’s my birthday, but I do feel slightly disappointed with myself.

This weekend, I was crazy busy with all the birthday activities. My initial thought was that I would live blog the Emmy’s on Sunday to make up for my lack of Tumblr activity, but then I realized that it was already seven o’clock and the Emmy’s had been going on for two hours. And blogging a recorded award show is just lame. And then I became too depressed to write anything witty or sarcastic.

Today is my actual day of birth and I have now been on this planet for 24 years. And I don’t feel different at all. Oh, and today is my “Golden Birthday” (24 on the 24th), so it’s supposed to be special or something, but so far it’s like every other Monday (except for all of the Facebook notifications, those make me feel popular).

Anywho, this is my post for the day and it will have to suffice because the mall is waiting for me to come and do some damage (that’s what she said…). Yes I am spending my birthday buying things for myself. I think I deserve it. I told you, I am incredibly humble. Happy Birthday to me!!!

Things I wish existed:

I honestly thought that blogging would be easier on the weekend, but I have found that it is quite the opposite. I’ve been gone all day and my eyes are literally closing as I write this right now so you better appreciate it (whoever you are)!

1. A never ending piece of toast. This is my dream. You don’t know how many times I have wished that my delicious piece of peanut butter toast would just go on forever. One piece never seems like enough, while eating two pieces makes me feel fat. Maybe what I need is a piece of toast that goes until the exact moment that I’m full. But if I had a never ending piece of toast, I would never go hungry. Such are the types of things that I ponder. Yes, my brain is a sad little world sometimes.

2. A toothbrush that tells you when you need to go to the dentist. I think that this would make everyone’s lives better. And just think of all the money you would save! I know that you’re supposed to go to the dentist regularly, but some us don’t have insurance or the money to do so, so our visits aren’t as often. They should invent a toothbrush that informs you exactly what’s happening in your mouth and when you should go make an appointment. It should have a speaker on it where a sassy British lady yells “Get your arse to the dentist! You’re getting a cavity that is going to bloody hurt tomorrow!”

3. A teleportation device. Today I drove a grand total of 4 hours to go see one of my best friends in a production of Grease. If I had teleported there, I wouldn’t be exhausted and picking my face up off of my keyboard right now. Craving a crepe for breakfast? Let’s just pop over to Paris and go to our fav crepe cart next to the Eiffel Tower. I could really use a massage…Sweden! I need something cool to bring to show and tell. Mom, can I go to Antarctica real quick and grab a penguin? Someone needs to get on this ASAP.

4. Magic. I have wanted magical powers since I first saw Sabrina the teenage witch grace my television screen. Let me just snap my fingers and get whatever I want. Harry Potter does magic. Harry Potter is cool. If I do magic, I will be cool! I’m going to stop typing now because magic needs no justification.  

5. Non-caloric alcohol. Oh alcohol, I love you, but I hate your fat inducing ways. I don’t like to drink beer anymore because every time I do, I imagine myself drinking a loaf of bread. I love me a strong margarita, but I always feel so guilty because those suckers are caloric! Someone please invent a delicious drink that makes me feel good and look even better. I guarantee you will become a millionaire and have women throwing their panties at you wherever you go (unless you’re a woman…then you will have a bajillion new BFFs).

Things I’ve done lately that I think you should do too

1. Go see an indy film. Blockbuster hits are great but indy movies are better. They’re quirky and dynamic and don’t deal with the pressures of having to be a giant box office success. It’s really nice to go and see a movie that you aren’t already sick of because you haven’t been bombarded by hundreds of television previews and billboard ads. My mom and I went and saw Celeste and Jesse Forever and I cannot stop raving about it. I laughed my ass off and cried like a hormonal teenager. Not many movies can do that and this one does so effortlessly. 

2. Go on a walk along the ocean. If you don’t live near the ocean (or any body of water for that matter)…I’m sorry. That sucks. If you do, go and walk next to that beautiful, blue baby of mother nature! I don’t think there is anything as relaxing as going on a stroll in a wonderful environment. It clears the mind and makes you think about something other than bill you have to pay or who just got voted off your crappy reality TV show of choice. 

3. Go to a high school football game. Talk about a blast from the past! I went to my alma mater’s kick off game last week and I felt like I was in an episode of Friday Night Lights. Seeing the pep band pumping up the fans in the stands, the parents screaming at their sons to “Catch the damn ball!”, and the cheerleaders execute a lack luster half time performance, I was reminded that high school isn’t as crappy a place as we made it out to be.

4. Read a great book. If you want to read some great writing and then feel incredibly depressed after, read Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. And then if you want to fall even deeper into that depression, watch the movie right after. Yes, the subject of this book is incredibly sad, but makes you think about and appreciate the fact that you have full control of what you want to do with your life. So grab some tissues and chocolate and read Never Let Me Go. 

5. Go to the drive-ins. Nothing beats the drive-ins. Why? Because you can provide endless commentary on the movie you’re watching without having the woman two seats down from you give you dirty looks. Or, if you’re like me, you can freely laugh as loud and as much as you want. And you can bring and eat any and all food you desire. You can also forgo the actually movie watching all together and get busy with your man/woman Grease style. Who doesn’t love a good make-out session in the back of a pick up truck!?

6. Go listen to live music. Whether is a huge concert or a laid back jam session at some one’s house, music does the soul good. Last week I listened to some jazz music with my family at our local park while having a picnic dinner and I was so happy. I don’t really like jazz, but I was feeling it! I also listened to a friend play some songs with his acoustic guitar and I was so moved that I teared up (this was mainly due to the copious amount of wine I had consumed that evening). Nothing beats live music. Nothing.

7. Go see a show. Remember when I said that nothing beats live music? Yeah, I lied. Theater beats live music…at least for me. But then again, I’m a theater nerd who wishes her life played out like a musical complete with choreographed dance sequences and spontaneous emotional ballads. I know that musicals and plays aren’t for everyone, but if you appreciate people who work hard at their craft, you should go see a show and support them. They genuinely appreciate seeing your face in the audience. Theater comes in all shapes and sizes, so find what interests you and go. Who knows, you might be so inspired that you take tap lessons and end up as a sailor in your local production of Anything Goes. 

Let’s do this…list!

I have been neglecting my Tumblr lately and I feel bad (because clearly my Tumblr has feelings).

I was recently laid off from my job and now I have way too much time on my hands. (I mean, it’s 10 o’clock on a Monday morning and I’m sitting on my couch watching The Price Is Right and eating my unemployed sorrows away with peanut butter toast) 

I’ve decided that I am going to try and be productive with all of my new found time. Obviously, blogging is the epitome of productivity. I mean, if you look up the word “productivity” in the dictionary, there would be a picture of Tumblr as the definition…wait…maybe not.

I usually reblog a few artsy pictures and snarky ecards daily. Now, I am going to write a blog post everyday. Yes, I am going to have to actually use my brain when on Tumblr instead of just pressing “alt + reblog” over and over again like a good little robot. It’s going to be tough, but I’m up for the challenge.

I love lists. So I’m going to write them. Lots and lots of lists. And I hope you find them entertaining. Because I think I’m entertaining. I’m so humble.

Let’s recap: I’m jobless and bored so I’m going to start writing daily blog posts in the form of witty and utterly hilarious lists.

Got it? Good. 

Allons-y!

(I fully expect all Doctor Who fangirls to appreciate that reference. Squeal in excitement, girls! Squeal!)