Customer conversation at its best

I do marketing for a small software company, but over the past few months (to my dismay) I have become the one woman customer service department. I answer the phones and help poor elderly people in the deep south deal with their unbearably slow internet connections.

Normally I don’t enjoy taking customer calls because technically it’s not my job, but last friday I had conversations with two customers that made me hate the customer service industry a little less.

The first conversation started like this:

Me: (My company’s name) how can I help you?

Customer: Oh my dear child, I hope so! (said in an incredibly melodramatic southern accent, I honestly felt like I was in Gone With The Wind)

After I control my initial giggling reaction to the gentleman’s greeting, I begin to help him set up an account. Half way through I ask him for a username and password.

Me: What username would you like to use?

Customer: Billy666

Me: Okay. What password would you like to use?

Customer: Peety666

Me: …alright.

Customer: I know, you’re probably wondering about the whole 666 thing. It’s just that neither me or my dog are believers.

Me: No judgement here.

The rest of the call was spent chatting about how DSL is just too darn expensive and how “tickled” he was with the whole slow internet issue. It was by far the best conversation I have ever had with a customer. 

A little later a woman called asking for help in running our program on her computer. She had an really thick southern accent as well.

Customer: Hi. So I downloaded your software and everything, but I just can’t get it to work. I don’t know what I am doing. I’m sorry, I’m just computer stupid.

Me: Well, I can help you with that!

Customer: You can make me not computer stupid?!

Me: I don’t know about that, but I can definitely answer your questions and hopefully make the program work…

Customer: Well, I guess that’s all I can ask for!

I spent a good 5 minutes explaining to her what to do, when she put me on hold.

Customer: Could you hold on a second?

Me: Sure.

Customer: (yelling at a child) NO, HE CANNOT COME INSIDE! … BECAUSE HE HAS BUGS ON HIM AND THEY WILL BITE YOU ON THE BUTT! …Okay, where were we?

I have never laughed so hard in my life. 

Honestly, it’s these random acts of hilariousness that make working 9 to 5 in a cubicle bearable.

Random rants and revelations

1. Friday should not be considered a work day. The office is empty. If you happen to be in the office, you don’t get any work done. No one is calling, because they’re not in their office to call you at your office. It’s ridiculous. I was productive for about 3 hours this morning, and then 11 o’clock hit and it was all downhill from there. Now I’m (not so) patiently waiting for the day to be over while watching Arrested Development and thinking about the copious amount of margaritas I’m going to consume tomorrow. TGICDM! (Thank God It’s Cinco De Mayo)

2. Apparently there are gypsies living in the butt crack of America. For your information, the “butt crack of America” is West Virginia (you can thank one of my high school guy friends for that gem), and I know this because I watched that show on TLC about the American gypsies and their ostentatious and dare I say incredibly tacky  weddings. I was expecting to experience some weird cult like community of nomads who wear scarves on their heads and hold communal dance parties around the fire every night, but what I saw were a bunch of rednecks that looked like they spent a little too much time at the Jersey shore. The boys resembled guidos (spiked hair and all) and the girls dressed like bedazzled sluts (even though they’re not allowed to kiss a boy until they get married). It was confusing, entertaining, and slightly disgusting (most gypsies marry their cousins to keep the wealth in the family…talk about true inbreeds!). I would watch it again out of sheer fascination, but first I have to let my eyes heal from all that shiny bling overexposure. 

3. Pity proposals are totally a thing. On TV shows at least. On Smash, Dev cheated on Karen and then proposed (but she couldn’t answer because she was in tech!). And then on New Girl, Jess slept with her ex Paul who then immediately proposed to his girlfriend (some asian chick who looks exactly like Jess)! I’m telling you, pity proposals are the new thing! Feel bad about cheating? Why don’t you propose!? That will make everything better! And then you can spend the rest of your lives together feeling secure in the fact that you made a life altering decision just because you felt bad. 

Don’t you just love that moment when…

you are looking for a specific fact or statistic that is vital to the project you’re working on and you just cannot find it?

Yeah that’s me right now. I was hopeful until I looked down and saw that I was on Google search page number 10…

I am quite tempted to just make up my own statistic and call it a day.

I hope I don’t get fired.

It’s 4:45PM on a Friday and I’m a little loopy…

Every door at my work is locked and can only be unlocked by touching a plastic card or “key” to the sensor on that door. Every employee has a key. When I wear jeans, like today, I usually will keep my key in my back pocket so I won’t get locked out on accident. I went to the kitchen to get a drink and on my way back to my desk I wanted to see if the key would work if it was still in my pocket. The sensor was too high (then again I am incredibly short) for my butt to reach, so I ended up jumping and shoving my butt in the direction of the wall. Voila, the door opens. I proceeded to do this to every door on my way back. I really hope none of my coworkers saw me. I probably looked like a deranged bunny that doesn’t know how to hop forward.

Can ya tell it’s Friday???